We said our goodbyes outside the diner, I was already shivering from the cold. I forgot I had your peacoat on, I took it off and you took it in your arms. You gave me one last look and walked away.
I knew nothing would be the same ever again.
I felt like I had stepped into this alternate universe. The shock of it hit me when I was inside my car, as I turned it on, the engine revved and I turned up the radio and a pop song came on.
Tears began to fall down my face, my body jerked and heaved like I was vomiting except I wasn’t, I was just crying, or sobbing, this is what sobbing is I thought. This is the crying mothers do when they find out their child is dead. Or the crying people do when they find out they have terminal cancer. It’s a devastated and defeated cry. A this-can’t-be-real cry.
The pop song kept playing, and it was so ironic, it’s upbeat tempo couldn’t subdue my cries, but once it was over so was my crying and I found myself feeling ten pounds lighter, either from the cry or the confession. Or maybe, just knowing that I had survived it. Being honest didn’t kill me. I was still in one piece, I guess what’s something.
Another pop song came on, I turned it up, sang along, and kept driving.
Part III
20 FebPart II
8 FebWhen the confession comes out, it sounds rehearsed because it was. It sounds dry and devoid of emotional weight because that’s how my voice sounds when it’s full of guilt.
I look into your eyes the entire time, and with each word that escapes my mouth I see it hit you, I see it hurt you, the pain throbs in the irises of your eyes, like an ocean taking on a hurricane.
I told you I cheated on you with your friend, and not just any friend, it was Casey, your childhood friend. Casey, who when I first met him, you told me that you worried about the way he looks at me. I told you that you don’t need to worry because I assured you that I loved you.
There I was, a cheater, sitting across from you in the diner of all diners-our diner. The diner where we had our third date. The diner where we last ate before you studied abroad, and I stayed after to cry into my tea.
Such a choice of words had turned our future murky and muddled.
I had numerous scenarios as to how you’d react to my news.
You went straight to anger and then transitioned to disappointment. I asked if you needed space to think things through. You looked at me, with that pained expression, and extended your hand out. I took it and we remained like this in a near silence, all I could hear is my heart thumping in my head.
You went outside for a cigarette and I didn’t bother asking if you wanted me to keep you company. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you as you leaned against the entrance, I couldn’t see your face, but I imagined it deep in thought, struggling to find the right way to deal with I had said.
I sipped my tea, and told myself I wasn’t going to cry into again, alone.
You took your seat and stared at me and said in a rehearsed voice that you did need a break to work things out.
I could not plead, beg or cry for you to do otherwise. I deserved every silent stare, every swift body movement turned away from me and that last kiss, that had it’s warmth sucked dry.
Part I
5 FebStanding outside, I shiver in your gray peacoat, I wrap it tightly around my rattling frame. I stare through the whirlwind of snowflakes falling down like confetti.
You approach me with your cock-eyed smile and a half-puffed cigarette dangles from your rosy lips. You ask me what the holdup is. I tell you to stop, stop what I don’t quite know.
Settled into our usual booth at the diner, we hear the clatter of silverware and buzz of chatter as we glance down from our menus to access ourselves.
You ask me why we’re here.
I tell you I have something to say.
Something I should I have said last night or even this morning. An announcement that’s been haunting me for days. That has turned my dreams to nightmares and my daydreams into anxiety riddled panic.
Before I say what I have to say, I consider the options. I consider how I could escape this whole situation with a lie or not even a lie, I could just bury my confession into the graveyard of my mind. I consider this, but decide that you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve a lot of things you have-myself included.
A Soundtrack to Your Cigarette Breaks
13 NovSometimes, you’re too caught up in everything. Whether it’s exams, huge projects or massive research papers, the end of the quarter doesn’t mean the end of the world. Take a break. Take a breath. Take out a cigarette, have a long drag, listen to these songs, and feel the anxieties of today wash away.
Tracks
- Alex Winston – “Velvet Elvis”
- Adele- “Hometown Glory”
- Sky Ferreria-“Everything is Embarrassing”
- Allen Stone-“Say So”
- Tame Impala- “Elephant”
- Clubfeet – “Heartbreak”
- Japandroids- “The Nights of Wine and Roses”
- Bad Books- “You Wouldn’t Have to Ask”
- Purity Ring-“Fineshrine”
- Merchandise- “Listen Up!”
- Fitz & the Tantrums – “Don’t Gotta Work It Out”
- Neon Indian- “Polish Girl”
- Grouplove-“Lovely Cup”
- Sleigh Bells – “Never Say Die”
- The Dig- “You’re Already Gone”
- Ed Sheeran- “Drunk”
- Oberhofer- “I Could Go”
- Chairlift- “Met Before”
- Birdy-“Skinny Love”
- The Kooks- “Eskimo Kiss”
- Patrick Wolf-“The City”
- Tennis- “Deep In the Woods”
Slosh
30 OctWhen everything turns to nothing
like a puddle of water evaporating
the fumes clear, but the sky stays
blue and the clouds remain gray
When the tedious boredom, becomes an amusing distraction
from the anxieties pilling up in my head.
Like a stack of letters
the ink of the pens
spills on the desk.
Having everything going well,
but still feeling like
you’re coming up short
Is there something that I’ve missed?
The thought echoes and persists
The split feeling of having it all
yet seeing it surmount to nothing
drops a weight on my shoulders
like sloshed snow on a sidewalk
the ugliness of dissatisfaction
tarnishes hopes of achievement
but I’ll take what I can get
small victories
quiet little changes
are steps towards piecing myself
back together again
Thoughts 